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It's 6 AM as I write this. I've been avoiding getting up this early (or being up in the morning at all) for a very long time. I used to tell myself it's because I'm a night owl. I work better at night. One of the many lies I've told myself over the last five years.
The truth is, I didn't like to wake up early because I was always trying to escape, avoid, pretend my personal issues didn't exist. And anytime I did try, my cyber attacker would hit me with man-in-the-middle attacks, malware injections, or DNS manipulation across my internet connection. This would dissuade me from facing the day. The attacker knew, based on my content, based on my journey, based on my neurodivergence, I would cave and fall back into escapism, avoid the day, and be faced with the darkness of nights awake.
This bad actor knew that I'd fall back into addiction, defending my cannabis (THC) use as a method to deal with the ambiguity and natural stress of what I'm experiencing.
That I'd stare at the marks on my hands, the souvenirs of my past, my brittle face in the mirror, and be reminded that the world is telling me I'm not good enough. That I'd tell myself I'm not good enough.
That I'd blame my ADHD and be back in front of a shrink asking for more medication. The same medication that left me strung out and tired, sick, sore, suicidal.
That I'd tell myself the same old story, and feel stuck, unable to face the day once again.
Leadership requires responsibility, accountability, acceptance and action. As much as I've told myself I'm born to be a founder, I didn't always embody those traits. I made excuses at times because I felt my challenges were more unique than anyone else's. That's wrong. We all have challenges, it's how we deal with them that defines our outcome.
The reality is most ongoing adversity is a combination of outside manipulation, bad luck, the story you tell yourself and the action plan you take to address it. I focused far too much on the manipulation and the bad luck, not enough on an empowering story and plan of action.
That phase of my life is over.
I'm up against a hard fight, it feels, at times. I suspect I've been spied on. Preyed on. Manipulated across many of the every day apps and devices that we often use without a second thought around their safety.
My business websites have been cross site scripted, accessed without my consent, forcing me to learn about advanced CSP's, session theft, and more, through the most time consuming and cortisol inducing means possible.
My well-being has been put in jeopardy. Trying to grow a business while dealing with advanced threats from day one has been incredibly challenging. Forget marketing, design, operations, customer acquisition, my devices are acting up again. Time for a factory reset and another layer of cyber security education, just so I can move on, at least for the moment. Another hoop to jump through.
I am comforted, however, by the fact that I continue to learn and expand my skill set to ensure these incidents are prevented as effectively as possible; to protect myself, my business and the great work that I implement for clients.
Furthermore, I am not a deeply religious person, but I am a spiritual one. I see value and gaps across all forms of religion. I don't believe any of this is by accident. It's immaculate design. So whatever the immaculate plan is, I'm committed to ensuring I'm a positive actor, and contributing in the way I've been called.
Whatever, and whoever, god is...
This is gods plan.
And as I continue to face these threats and contribute great work to my clients and the ecosystem I aim to serve, I will continue to tell myself an empowering story.
One where my passions off the screen (golf, nature, travel, meditation) help me to shed the tightness in my body and the cortisol flowing through my brain, while enjoying the design of the natural landscape across the beautiful cities that I visit.
One where doing great work for my clients lights me up and makes the sluggishness of perpetually manipulated processes worth it.
And one where building software becomes a vessel to set people free... for myself, my customers, and any partners or colleagues that choose to join me on my mission.
This is gods plan.
Immaculate design.
I'm here to fight for the beauty of creation...
No matter where the story leads me next.
If you like my work, feel free to follow me across other platforms as well. I'll be sharing more about my journey moving forward:
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Check out my studio too. I’m currently taking on new contracts and still have a few freelance hours available in the coming months:
Flocano Labs
Sension Consulting
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